I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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