there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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