if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Why did my mother make you get naked?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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