A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
