You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
