Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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