i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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