Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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