I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize