I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
