come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
