Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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