go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
