who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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