I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
