Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
