Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
