There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We talked him into tasing himself.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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