These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
