I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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