I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
