Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
