I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
