I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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