peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I intend to get homeless drunk
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
