thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
