I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
