is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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