I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Houston, we have a blender
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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