I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
