Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
