I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
