remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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