Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
