I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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