Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
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