we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
