The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
