she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
