I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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