he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
