Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
