I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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