careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
