One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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