Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
