I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
