my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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