our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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