Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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