I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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