I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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