There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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