I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
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