the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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