My cat gives me a boner
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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