dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
