so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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