Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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