she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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