i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
