worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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