is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
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